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| mp3 live |
| 06.30.04 (1:31 am) [edit] |
Live performance from Glastonbury from the act tipped to do big things in the next year called "Razorlight" the song is called Golden Touch and I quite like it.
RAZORLIGHT
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| Do Do Boy |
| 06.29.04 (4:56 am) [edit] |
Good Lad, start as you mean to go on little fella.
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| Fahrenheit 9/11 |
| 06.29.04 (4:10 am) [edit] |
Michael Moore once said
"I don't agree with the copyright laws and I don't have a problem with people downloading the movie and sharing it with people. As long as they're not doing it to make a profit..."
with the film still not being released in the UK, yet I'm half tempted to go to (http://67.19.19.67/index.php/...) and download the damn thing myself.
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| VASELINE JOKE |
| 06.28.04 (4:46 am) [edit] |
damn funny this is
NAUGHTY BUT NICE
Subject: Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.", "No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
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| Black Women in Bikinis |
| 06.23.04 (8:30 am) [edit] |
Just cant get enough
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| Uma Thurman |
| 06.23.04 (4:34 am) [edit] |
This weeks scan is of the lovely Uma Thurman
Via Email
And also a joke sent to me through the e-mail is:
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate".
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| Parrot joke |
| 06.21.04 (6:04 am) [edit] |
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot
that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10
years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Well I thought it was funny.
Parrot
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was
delicious !!!! "
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| Tight bar stewards |
| 06.15.04 (7:26 am) [edit] |
An actual e-mail that was sent round the office today, cue laughing at:
Dear All
under new procedure's there is a greater need for us to keep to a tighter budget ,staff should inform me or Denise, what are you taking at all times from the stationery
cupboard even if it's just a pin we need to know.
Thanks
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| woman trouble |
| 06.15.04 (12:01 am) [edit] |
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When a woman rings you five times in an hour, an says she has to ask you something too important to ask over the phone, you know there is trouble ahead. Now Simone (as I'll refer to her here) probably has some misguided impression that it will be harder for me to say no to her if shes with me face to face, and I've already decided to say no to whatever question she asks, (unless she offers to give me a million bucks which is highly unlikely). Simone was keen to come over the next day, but I told her that I'll be away until the weekend which is a total lie. No, waiting till the weekend wont do as I'm already getting stressed out just thinking about it. I know she thinks I'm mad keen on her which I'm not, I should ring her back this evening and insist she comes out with it, this sought of hassle I could do without. Or maybe a cowardly text message will suffice. Wheres my stress balls?
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| Scarlett Johansson |
| 06.12.04 (1:38 am) [edit] |
Scan of week - Scarlett Johansson
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| Mastercard Wedding |
| 06.10.04 (2:49 am) [edit] |
Revenge is a dish best served cold
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had become suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there,just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
He turned to his bride and said, "F---you!""
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial outta this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends........................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion.........................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui.....................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.....................................priceless.
There are something's money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
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| Weed Head |
| 06.09.04 (9:52 am) [edit] |
Woke up this mourning and the whole crib was smelling of weed (not my doing guvnor), you just cant let certain people come around as they seem to be constantly on the wacky backy.
Like Clinton I don't inhale, but for the amount passive smoking I do I just might as well. I should open up a coffee shop (in the dutch sense of the word) and call it 'Dope R us',
Anyway while on the topic of weed I'll post a rant I wrote (yardie cross south london style) about what happened to me a couple years back:
HERBMAN HUSTLING
By Drizzla
Herman is a herbman hustling, bright and early in the mourning"
Yes that was a song I used to sing back in the sweet caribbee. 18 years old was I, carrying buckets of water I was, for purposes of watering I and I cash crop up in the hills, several trips ina de hot sun.
Cash Crop you say, GANJA I reply. Mofo's be thinking stuff just grow easy. No Siree, High up ina de hills, praying NARCO planes dont spot my cash crop, land they will uh huh, slash and burn, slash and burn, like field slaves did to sugar cane, way back. We pay scholars on break to pick leaves from the full plant 5 a dem, any resin rub off on fingers get roll up into marble size ball, more u pick, more resin stick pun finger, get me.
Potent shit that is, schoolars payment it is, laters man pun big ninja bike ride through village, schoolars run wid ganja marbles fi sell. While me hafi sleep nights pun ground ina de hills with my cash crop, why? cause peeps who think them smart try steel I and I cash crop when crop ready fi reaping ya get me.
Cut, Cut, Cut then Hang, Hang Hang up cash crop fi dry, under hot sun, get tourist and fisherman fi tek that rass clart go foriegn, when money come in a pure "bling bling" my bwoy, man hafi look trash and ready, woman wan money, wan clothes, wan clit fi get lick, but not before I and I get couple dick suck, ya get me rude bwoy ha ha ha ha.
Wah no travel by mass means, travel by mule, human mule ya get me. Me see woman put cash crop ina nappy, then feed lil picknie laxative, mi nah joke my youth. Mek me tell yu, no blood clart immigration officer wan check no shit filled nappy, ya get me. Then My brethren from round so, have couple trained sniffer dog, fi test packaging an shit, smell proof ya get me. Two twos, money role in "bling bling" fi real my youth. Still yu know, my bredda get stop a Heathrow ta blood clart, man tell me seh, immigration officer put finger up im arse a look fi drugs, mi seh to blood clart, if a did me, me would a jus screw mi face and power shit right pun him finger, u get me. Like blooww, shit everywhere, pun him face, shirt, even pun de blood clart ceiling ha ha ha ha. Yeah and if him a gwan like him wan seh sumting, me would a just seh, wah de blood clart u expect when you a feel up man batty, ha ha ha ha.
Wah, fa Ganja must bun, dread lock no f**k wid coke an them shit deh, dem deh stuff a poision my youth. (rolls up a massive draw) Knowledge an understanding my youth, a only way fi get a big crust ya get me. Yeah, no fuck wid no weak Euro spliff either, strictly caribbee or Pakistani ya get me, none a dat yankee home made sh*t. (takes a deep draw) yes iyah, weed of wisdom, knowledge and understanding (stares at the lighted end of blunt meaningfully nodding to himself for a good two minutes) yes iyah, wah appen yu want a draw.
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| Denzel Washington |
| 06.09.04 (9:20 am) [edit] |
Alongside Kevin Spacey, Denzel is my favourite actor, so I broke my no-men rule and made a couple of wallpapers of Denzel.
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| Long life |
| 06.08.04 (1:36 am) [edit] |
At last I've found the secret to long life.
![]() =http://img78.photobucket.com/...
Its a hot day, hottest of the year so far, on the plus side the skirts are getting shorter, and on the negative side men with unsightly beer guts seem to feel the need to walk around without shirts. You can tell that a football competition is near as the number of English St George flags hanging out of windows and attached to cars has soared through the roof. Must remember to stock the fridge with beer, crisps, and more beer, now that Euro 2004 is just around the corner.
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| Call a sickie |
| 06.07.04 (5:05 am) [edit] |
Currently drinking in and belching out an ice cold pepsi max to keep me awake at work, stayed up till 2am watching the Paul Newman and Piper Laurie in 'The Hustler' great film is slightly depressing.The sun is shining, and tomorrow (tuesday 8th June) is tipped to be the hottest day in the year, I think I'll use one of the following excuses to 'call a sickie' after all in London there arent many opportunities to get some sun.
Reasons to not work
From an edition of the Washington Post. A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work . . .
1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet . . .
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
17. I prefer to remain an enigma.
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| My Brixton Pictures |
| 06.06.04 (10:59 pm) [edit] |
Out n About in Brixton with
my camera. |
Brixton Market Row |
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Close to home. |
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Brixton Bar and Grill |
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Who ever created this eye sore deserves a beating |
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It reads 22 people arrested for buying drugs at this
location. |
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Now the next door smells of piss. |
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| Elsa Benitez |
| 06.04.04 (4:02 am) [edit] |
Cribology loves Elsa Benitez...
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| Melyssa Ford |
| 06.03.04 (9:13 am) [edit] |
Cribology loves Melyssa Ford
Melyssa Ford |  |
Melyssa Ford |  |
Melyssa Ford |  |
Melyssa Ford |  |
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| Lying Fool |
| 06.03.04 (3:23 am) [edit] |
I am in a good mood today, primarily because the fool I sit next to in the office just got his dumb ass fired. In a world where ordinary liars are pygmies, this guy is a tall prince in comparison. Examples
Fool - Did you know I carried Princess Diana’s Coffin at her funeral.
Me - Nah, your having me on, you'd only have been 17 when she died.
Fool - No honestly, let me find the picture on the internet with me in it (10 minutes of internet browsing passes where fool say he really doesn't like it when people don’t believe him). Finds a picture but you can only see three of the six men carrying the coffin, "There it is but you cant see me cause I'm on the other side of the coffin."
OR
Fool - You look at me but I've had a busy life mate, I served in Cambodia and Northern Ireland where I got shot in the leg. (proceeds to lift and rest his leg on my desk, rolls up his trousers and points to some mark which I cant see).
Me - Oh bring in some pictures of your time out there for me tomorrow. (but tomorrow never came).
Not to mention girlfriends who are lawyers for the United Nations, being a qualified pilot and giving up a £33,000 a year job in the army for a £13,000 a year in the civil service, cause he "didn't want to commit himself to a career in the army."
Unfortunately, threatening your managers with threats about selling your story to the Newspapers is not conducive to being gainfully employed by said managers.
result,
arse out the door. Good times
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| Sign of the times |
| 06.02.04 (11:44 pm) [edit] |
Cartoons
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| Reality TV overdose |
| 06.02.04 (1:40 am) [edit] |
Its beyond a joke, last night, home from work, switched on box, whats on?
'Hells kitchen' where a group of d list celebs cook in a reality tv created restaurant for other d list celebs. Turned over, channel 4, whats on?
'Bollywood Idol', some mother, shouting and a sobbing, bout daughter, sod that, show finished, what next? - Big Brother 5, whoses in? One naked bloke, two gay blokes, one stumpy transexual, one slapper, 3 women (not to shabby), one lesbian (kd lang's ugly sister), one ego freak who would like to be remembered as the most intelligent man ever, plus misselaneous riff raff. Changed channel, whats on? Footy highlights, score? England 1 Japan 1, cue bitchin and a moaning, reason for draw? tiredness, what a joke, Euro 2004 is going to be a disaster for EN-GER-LAND. Sod that, bed. Wake up, radio on, five live, cue a bitchin and a moaning, topic? Oil prices. Dont give a monkeys, change channel more bitching and a moaning, topic? Earth girl winning Miss Universe. Mental note, must go online and check da broad. Sandwitch lady arrives at work, must go, Enough is Enough, press button marked 'Publish This Post'.
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| Cribology pixellog vol2 |
| 06.01.04 (9:28 am) [edit] |
| Cribologies Pixellog vol 1 |
| 06.01.04 (8:58 am) [edit] |
| Salivation Station volume 1 - Lexy West |
| 06.01.04 (5:23 am) [edit] |
Pass me a napkin will ya!
Click Image for bigger picture
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| The first steps |
| 06.01.04 (4:18 am) [edit] |
Seemingly everyones got a blog, so I thought I should have one too, but then I'm not a fan of blogs. The few that I have read have been filled with numerous meanderings about work and other equally boring topics. No I will use this blog as an overflow/addition for my website http://www.cribology.net (if you don't like this website, you probably wont like this blog. Pictures / scans not used on the site, and any other miscelaneous shit will come to this blog. Pictures of me grinning into a camera will not appear here, pictures of family pets, cars and also bitching about workmates is banned also. However I will put my digital camera to use, when the urge takes me.
I was half tempted to rant about the total lack of female talent on Big Brother 5 (bring back Tania Di Nascimento from BB4), and I was going to drip into a verbal lust for another babe that has caught my eye recently called Angell Conwell but now is not the time, this is just the first step. I haven't even really started to get the look of the blog right yet! so heres to blogging the Cribology way of course.
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