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| Katie Price / Michelle Jubin |
| 04.27.05 (8:25 am) [edit] |
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Screwed up on my previous attempt to post this, but here a few scans of Katie Price (a,k,a - Jordan) and Michelle Jubin a contestant on UK Big brother 2004. This is part one of the series part two coming soon.
   
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| Paris Hilton |
| 04.26.05 (8:07 am) [edit] |
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Paris Hilton,
Didn't like the tv show and the blue video is a cure for ensomnia, but she does scrub up well. Click pic to view another set of Cribology scans
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| Penelope Cruz showreel |
| 04.25.05 (8:02 am) [edit] |
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Cribology loves Penelope Cruz. More stuff from my scan collection, more coming soon.
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| Scan series cont'd |
| 04.25.05 (7:55 am) [edit] |
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Its been a while since I last posted a scan, heres one of my favourites, clik d link
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| The Contender |
| 03.15.05 (12:14 am) [edit] |
Last night I sat down to check out two new reality (lite) shows, firstly on ITV2 was the imported US show "The Contender" hosted by Sly Stallone and 6 time boxing World Champion Sugar Ray Leonard. The American TV show starts off with 16 professional middleweight boxers trying to win the TV shows US$1 million winning prize, the guys are based in a lavish house in LA. Each week two boxers fight a five round fight in which the loser is eliminated. After the first show ended after an addictive 80 minutes, I switched over to Channel 5, to see the "Search for a model" (cant remember the exact name). A show in which 13 skinny girls (mostly average looking) who live in a decent London house participate in photo shoots to win a modelling contract with "Select Model Agency" (value unknown). Hosted by model Rachel Hunter, and judged by three pompous nomarks from the agency, an hour long tide of crying, eating water cress flows forth which is only interupted by footage of these painfully bony women bitching and moaning about in skimpy clothing, the star is obviously going to be the one who looks like an anorexic Goth female version of David Coulthard.
Get rid of the bony women, I'll take fellas punching each other into a pulp anyday.
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| The Massacre by Fiddy |
| 03.05.05 (1:41 am) [edit] |
The Massacre by 50 Cent Preview review.
Worthy Tracks include
1. Intro
2. In My Hood
3. This Is 50 (50 doing the usual "Im a gansta, I'll put a hole in you" shit), still quite a catchy tune
4. I'm Supposed To Die Tonight (Good beat although I got bored halfway through the track)
5. Piggy Bank (I really like this song, the line about Jailbird rapper "Shyne" put a smile on my face) Kelis, Nas, and Lil Kim also get dissed.
6. GATman And Robbin (Didn't like this Eminem produced track, thought it doesn't mesh with the rest of the Album)
7. Candy Shop (Good Club choon)
8. Outta Control - Decent track but very skippable
9. Get In My Car (Vivica Fox won't like this song), good beat, song topics cover - Bitches, Papers, Hoes (You get my drift)
10. Ski Mask Way - 50 who has reportedly earned US$50 million raps about robbing Jewellry. Didn't like it.
11. A Baltimore Love Thing - Lyrically the best song on the Album, tale of Love between a female junkie and her drugs.
12. Ryder Music - Haven't DL'd this yet.
13. Disco Inferno - Another top draw choon to skank to at the club.
14. Just A Lil Bit - Quite good, but nothing special.
15. Gunz Come Out - Poor song, usual worn out gansta shit.
16. My Toy Soldiers - Like a cheap battery, it starts good but soon runs out of energy.
17. Position Of Power - Not feeling this, only for hardcore 50 fans only.
18. Build You Up - Now this one I can jam to, one of the better tracks.
19. God Gave Me Style - Haven't DL'd this yet.
20. So Amazing - Haven't DL'd this yet.
21. I Don't Need 'Em - Great Old skool beat, one of my favourites off the album.
22. Hate It Or Love It - Decent Lyrically, and a catchy beat - The Game touches down on this one.
I'll give this album a 7 out of 10 and not as good as The Game album "The Documentary"
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| Julia Stegner |
| 03.05.05 (12:34 am) [edit] |
German born Julia is now my favourite model at the moment, born
on November 2, 1984 she has overtaken Megan Ewing to become my favourite, although I also like - Aurelie Claudel, Carla Campbell, Jessica Miller and Kirsty Hume.
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| Women Hazard |
| 02.28.05 (12:14 am) [edit] |
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| Win XP pro |
| 02.23.05 (3:16 am) [edit] |
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I hate Win XP Pro, has for me been a pain the behind, I take my aging PC to a Computer store to get the nackered Motherboard replaced, they Installed Win XP Pro on my hard drive over my Home edition, I'm thinking Cool, I got the latest and greatest PC operating System, I've used Windows since the dark days of Windows 3.1. Dabled in the useless Linux as well, anyway I get my PC home and re-install Doom 3 and Far Cry, when I go to play these games, all I get is "Please insert Correct CD/DVD" message" no matter what I do nothing changes, try playing/installing from both DVD drives, downloading latest drivers, and Direct X even getting the useless Safedisc update recommended from Microsofts website. Older games play fine, currently playing "Chrome" a slated first person shooter which was bought dirt cheap (£2.99) from Virgin. Just bought the latest Medal of Honour game DVD, and I'm getting the same shitty message. Guess I'll have to revert back to Win XP Home edition (I won't spend a penny more on a new operating system, Longhorn can go whistle). I also forgot that the DVD writer now screws up half of the time as the computer freezes half way through the writing process. Anyway enough of this my belly is starting to grumble, off for a couple of Chinese chicken wraps and a Ribena.
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| Camilla |
| 02.23.05 (2:23 am) [edit] |
Poor Saggy faced Camilla, she can't win after all she aint no Diana on the looks front, the soon to be marriage is fast turning into a national embarrassment. Still she will be able to comfort herself with the vast funds that she will receive from the British taxpayer now that she will become the Princess Consort. Now Queenie won't be attending the marriage (Cant have the head of state slumming it, at a common marriage reception can we?) I walked into my local news agents to see the collective mugs of Quennie, Charlie and Cammie glarring back at me from the cover of every single newspaper, viva la republic I say. Get rid of the lot, ship them to the USA where they can be cannon fodder for the Winfrey show and the 'National Enquirer.' Not before having a selection of waxwork copies of them being created and placed on the balcony of Buckingham Palace for tourist purposes.
I should also blog my sadness at the passing of a great writer who once famously fractured his ankle doing a sharp hairpin turn at a hotel minibar. Hunter S Thompson will be missed.
Other stuff to get my goat recently:
1) Spain votes yes to new EU constitution, which wasn't unexpected as the Spainish get £3 billion from the EU coffers each year.
2) Found myself agreeing with Bush over the EU for the first time ever re: Selling Arms to China. I've forgotton the name of the jobsworth who currently heads the EU, but I laughed at his hypocritical sly dig at Bush when he called Europe the "Moral leaders" of the world.
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| Jacko prepares |
| 02.04.05 (12:49 am) [edit] |
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| Payday |
| 01.31.05 (12:22 am) [edit] |
In a good mood today, probably something to do with it being pay day. Looking out the window I can see blue sky, which is a rarity in London recently. Still a bit hungry, blame = Michael Jackson, its his pasty ashen bony face on the box this morning that put me right off breakfast. The man is going to be everywhere for the next few months, I should go down to the bookies and place a bet that Wacko will be named Time magazines man of the year for 2005.
I'm the only one in work this morning in my section of the department, the Workflow managers off for two weeks as he's on maternity leave (fathers getting maternity leave now), so people will be doing as little as possible.
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| Advert |
| 01.28.05 (5:03 am) [edit] |
A man of my own heart.
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| Cinderella |
| 01.28.05 (2:03 am) [edit] |
Heard a report on the radio saying that British men spend £14(US$20), women £72 a year on underwear, It seems that we Brits like the well worn, hole ridden undergarment, must remember to buy some underwear during lunch time, as I can't recall last buying any recently - preferred underwear - kleins, brass monkeys and HOM.
Decent Joke.
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
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| Who your Daddy |
| 01.21.05 (12:12 am) [edit] |
Main news on the box is Bush want Freedom for the world, headline in the paper is of Yorkshire Ripper (raper and killer of 13 women) given a day trip to see dead fathers resting place, Taxi fairs in London to raise by 3.5%, its only 9:15am and I could already demolish a chinese takaway, the office is 3/4 empty, bring on the effing weekend, I need a break.
Whose your Daddy. No Michael Jackson puns please.
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| Mind trick |
| 01.20.05 (6:43 am) [edit] |
Mind Trick
and another one
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter
girl took my $2 while I was digging for my change. I then pulled 8
Cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the
nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two
Quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950
************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
*********************** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
************************ By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
(There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2015
************************
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production
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| Jennifer Ellison Scan |
| 01.17.05 (3:29 am) [edit] |
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| Nicole Richie Scan |
| 01.17.05 (3:19 am) [edit] |
Nicole Richie doesn't look to shabby, nice mutt.
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| U Chav |
| 01.05.05 (1:29 am) [edit] |
You learn something every day, just today I learnt the meaning of 'Chav' a person who is sought of one level up from trailor park trash but only with more money. More Chav info at www.chavscum.com. In a test I scored a respectable 25% in the Chav test (lower the better), the question are as follows;
Has any friends of family members been pregnant under the age of 20?
Do you know the location of your local JD Sports store?
Do you own more trainers then normal shoes?
Have you ever bought / worn any of these labels? Hackett, Ben Sherman, Kappa, Nickelson?
Have you ever reffered to your home as your 'Gaff' 'Drum' 'Yard' ?
Do you think David Beckham is a leading male style icon?
Have you ever bough Super Kings?
Do any of your friends or family own a Staffordshire Bull Terrier?
Have you ever had a fight with cab driver?
Have you ever worn hoop earings?
Do you think Starbucks coffess are too expensive?
Have you ever thrown up in the street?
Have you ever vandalised a phone booth?
Have you ever reffered to your frends as your 'crew' or your' massive'
Do you know who Mike Skinner is?
Have you ever had a pay as you go gas or electricity meter?
Have you ever lived above the fourth floor?
Do you use external Christmas decorations?
Did you think the Fast and Furious deserved an Oscar Nomination?
Have you ever visited a friend or family member in jail?
Do you know a drug dealer?
Are tinted windows cool?
Have you ever bought 'economy' brand at Sainsbury's?
Do you listen to Drum n Bass?
Have you ever purchased jewlery at H.Samuel?
Have you ever been too, Falaraki, Magaluf or Benidorm?
Do you know anyone from Hastings or Croydon?
Do you enjoy theme parks and fun fairs?
Have you ever had a full English Breakfast abroad?
Are any of your friends of family receiving a benefit?
Have any of your friends or family been buried by Co-op Funeral Directors?
Did you know the capital of Australia is Sydney?
Have you ever been to Chelsea Football Club?
Do you own a gold chain, soverign ring or Burberry Cap?
Have you ever shopped at Bluewater?
Are you scared of your neighbours?
Would you consider buying any of these cars? Vauxhal Corsa, Ford Fiesta, Impreza, Fiar Punto?
Dio you read Max Power, The Daily Star, Heat or the Sun?
Do you ever wear a tracksuit when you have no intention of playing sport?
Have you ever been escorted from a shopping centre / pub?
Do you know know the term 'Croydon Face Lift'
Have you ever ordered Ham Egg and Chips at a restaurant?
Do you understand text abberviations (ie, l8r - later, wiv - with, da - the, b4 - before)
Have you ever seen / been involbed in a fight at a wedding?
Have you ever drank Lager before midday?
Would you consider a honeymoon in Teneriffe?
Today I also learnt that a 'Croydon Face Lift' is when a woman ties all her back in a tight bun in the back of her head so tightly that the 'face lift' effect happens.
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| Keira Knightley |
| 01.02.05 (5:21 am) [edit] |
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New Years resolution is to post more on this site, starting with regular posting of my favourite women on the planet, cant do idle chit chat as I'm off to visit my sister.
Keira Knightley
DOB - 26 March 1985
The daughter of actor Will Knightley and playwright Sharman Macdonald. After she requested an agent at the age of three, her parents allowed her to work on productions in her summer holidays. Her first role was at the age of 9, in Moira Armstrong's A Village Affair (1994). However, Knightley's first high profile role came in 1999, as Sabe, Decoy Queen to Natalie Portman's Queen Amidala in Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace (1999).
from - imdb.com
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| P.C Christmas |
| 12.07.04 (3:54 am) [edit] |
Have a P.C Christmas
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place On December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols?. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family, Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table? you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for
the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorrry! Did I miss anything
?!?!?!?!
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die. The Bitch from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9 November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
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| Immigration Officer |
| 11.17.04 (5:41 am) [edit] |
I've toyed with the idea of becoming an Immigration officer, so for a work related visit, I spent the day at Gatwick Airport, London. After spending a busy 7 hours there, I have decided that being an Immigration Officer at an Airport is one of the most teedious jobs around. Stamping passport after passport after passport was a brain rotting exercise.
I accompanied by guide IO as he worked on the desk for two international flights. One was from the USA and a "hot flight" from Zimbabwe, hot meaning get all the IO's for this flight is bound to be trouble. The US flight was strait forward, How u doing, why are you hear, enjoy your stay, stamp passport and on yer bike. The Zimbabwe flight was a whole other story, 1st class passenger off first by around 10 minutes. The economy flyers on the whole did pong abit, (would wanna be an Air steward on that flight), and the questions were far more in depth, requiring proof of finance, lodging, and invitation. several Mr and Miss Dodgyness were kept back for immediate deportation or more often than not a claim for political Asylum. Anyway leave work early tonight as England vs Spain is on TV tonight, its time we kicked some Espanol ass, hasta la-vita senor and senorita.
My new wallpaper image
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| Darwin Awards |
| 11.12.04 (12:04 am) [edit] |
It is friday, I'm at work bored rigid, just finished a bag of Doritos and a Chunky Kit Kat, can't wait to get home and play Halo 2. I'm now tempted by the packed of white Maltesers, which I shook out the vending machine, my one week good food diet is over. Anyway I off to attend some 6 hour bore fest on the upcoming "Freedom of Information Act". Riverting.
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The 2004 Darwin Awards
They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma".
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.. . 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
PS: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
RUBBISH IN, RUBBISH OUT
A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
James Brian Wise, 20, of 390 Davenport Ave., Valparaiso, was twirling a gun at some friends' house in Fort Walton Beach on Friday night when it went off and shot him in the head, according to a report from the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office.
The incident occurred at 1821 Whispering Oaks Lane, Fort Walton Beach. The Sheriff's Office responded at about 9:40 p.m. Jessica Nicole James, 18, was the primary witness cited in the report.
According to the report, James said Wise was in the kitchen of her home when she noticed a gun sticking out of his waistband. When she commented about it, he unloaded the gun and handed it to her for examination. She gave it back; he reloaded it and began twirling it in his right hand. The gun went off and shot him in the head. Wise died the next day. Wise, an employee at Brooks Auto Body in Crestview, was born in Tampa and graduated from Niceville High School this year.
A Jacksonville, Florida woman recently had to summon emergency help after dragging her husband down the street behind their pickup truck. Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station Jacksonville, was treated and released with a slight concussion and scrapes and bruises. It seems that Styles decided to repair damaged shingles on his house himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him. Prior to climbing up on his steep roof, Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the trailer hitch of his truck. Once on the peak of his roof he secured the other end of the line around his waist. He then slid over the top of the roof to repair the shingles. As luck would have it, right after he started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout trip. Jane Styles yelled to her husband she'd be right back and pulled away. "I didn't see the rope," Mrs. Styles said, "until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street." Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbor, said, "I'll never forget the look on Roman's face as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."
A would-be shoplifter in London attempted to steal two lobsters. The ingenious felon stuffed the lobsters into his trousers and headed for the door of the supermarket. Near the exit, our larcenous Londoner doubled over in excruciating pain and lay on the floor screaming. It seems that the lobster's claws were not tied down and one of the tasty crustaceans decided to have the thief's family jewels for lunch. The paramedics were called in to remove the carnivorous crustacean from the very sensitive portion of this thief's anatomy. After they stopped laughing, a pair of pliers successfully accomplished the removal much to the relief of our suffering suspect. No information was available on the extent of the member's (sic) injuries or his future fatherhood potential.
San Jose, CA. March 26, 1999: 1923hrs. Police, Fire and ambulance respond on a call for unknown medical emergency - turns out to be a DOA. Further investigation reveals it to be a suicide. Quite successful. Further investigation reveals this sequence of events:
27 yr old male gets a circular saw blade, cuts holes in the side to fit the lug nuts on his car. He mounts the saw blade to one of the front wheels in place of the tire.
Jacks the car up with a hydraulic jack.
Starts the motor and puts something on the accelerator to spin the front wheels.
Lays down below the spinning saw blade, which is above his neck.
Reaches out and unlocks the hydraulic jack.
You can guess the rest.
Thanks to Dave Larton
An Iraqi terrorist , Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the resulting explosion.
BUCHAREST (Reuters) - Romanian first division soccer player Mario Bugeanu and his girlfriend died of carbon monoxide poisoning in his car after making love, police said Tuesday. Gloria Bistrita midfielder Bugeanu, 24, and his 23-year-old girlfriend Mirela Iancu died after having sex Sunday in a garage with the car running, police colonel Dumitru Secrieru said. "They appeared to be unaware of the dangers of carbon monoxide," Secrieru said. The couple was discovered by the player's father Monday morning.
In Van Nuys, California, Anita French, an aspiring zoo keeper, loved reptiles. She kept 10 deadly snakes and six piranhas as pets in her mobile home. She wasn't afraid of them; apparently she had been bitten several times without fatal consequences. Finch trusted her snakes so much that she would let them loose as she cleaned their cages.
Her reptilian friends included a Gabon Viper, a Hog-Nosed Sand Viper a 3-foot Western rattler, two 4-foot Eastern diamondback rattlers, a South Pacific rattlesnake, considered extremely rare, one King snake, a gopher snake, and two copperheads.
Anita Finch, 33, was found dead in her mobile home by a friend and the lot manager Wednesday, Dec 15, evening. Charlene McMorris, manager of the Vicabob Trailer Park Village at 7560 Woodman PLace, said her tenant loved her snakes and feared city inspectors would confiscate them. She believes Finch was searching for a missing snake because her home was turned "upside down", with the refrigerator moved and pans scattered around the kitchen.
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."
It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock.
One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Ljubljana, Slovenia - A passionate angler at an eastern Slovenian lake caught a fish so big that he drowned trying to reel it in, the state-run news agency reported Tuesday.
Determined to land the sheatfish, a type of catfish, the 47-year-old fisherman walked into the lake after hooking it and refused to let go when it pulled him under, the STA news agency, quoted a friend of Franc Filipic as saying.
The friend, who was not identified, said Filipic's last words before he drowned were: "Now I've got him!"
Police and divers found his body after a two-day search. The fish was not found.
In unincorporated Fox Lake, Illinois, 28-year-old Daniel Wyman drowned after he and a companion inadvertently blew a hole in the bottom of their boat with an M-250 firecracker. The M-250 firecracker is the equivalent of one-fourth of a stick of dynamite. Daniel Wyman and his friend threw the firecracker into the water near their 14-foot aluminum rowboat. The boat was caught by a gust of wind that pushed the boat over the explosive. The boat was not equipped with life preservers; Wyman, who could not swim, drowned when the boat sank. His companion swam to shore and was taken to Northern Illinois Medical Center in McHenry for observation.
Fox Lake Fire Capt. Thomas Preidis said that the device probably had floated back to the surface when it exploded; otherwise the cushion of water between the explosive and the boat probably would have prevented a breach of the hull.
"We really don't know why it happened," Preidis said. "It's getting close to the 4th of July, and people like to blow off fireworks. When you throw an M-250 in the water it makes a nice big geyser. Then again, they may have been trying to scare fish to the surface."
BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
A 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
A WWII-vintage bomb dug up from under a house in the Philippines exploded Monday, December 7, 1998, killing the owner of the house and three others. Philippine police said that carpenters were installing a septic tank 15 DAYS AGO when they found a bomb under the house in Tacloban, 360 miles southeast of Manila. The 1,000-pound bomb went off as they were tinkering with it, instantly killing the four and destroying the house.
When someone "tinkers" with a 1,000 pound bomb for 15 days they deserve to be removed from the gene pool, and the great news is that four geniuses were removed!
Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side.
Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.
Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.
"So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
[UPI, Spain] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock - and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Man Loses Face at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Dincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips." Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said that Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
[AP, Arkansas] Pillsbury DoughBoy Wanted for Attempted Murder. A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. She looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brain in!
Unknown, 25 March - A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was 22...a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario - Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said. One of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected.
UPI, Toronto - Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
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| National Strike |
| 11.05.04 (12:57 am) [edit] |
The PCS trade union has called a national UK strike to protest about the planned loss of 80,000 public sector jobs. So the Office is very empty today, I not being in the Union still has to come in and twiddle my fingers all day and look at pictures of Spanish beauty called Almudena fernandez.
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| The Horror |
| 11.05.04 (12:36 am) [edit] |
The easily shocked should not read on.
If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the attachment. It is
a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper.
Taken shortly after he landed, it shows him with his insides now on
the outside.
You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
Be warned.. It is NOT a pretty sight..
The Horror
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